The way that people date has changed drastically over the past couple of decades, shaped by the advancement of technology and shifting social norms. Today, online dating is not only the most common way of meeting someone, but it can also feel like the only way. “One-in-five partnered adults under 30 say they met their current spouse or partner on a dating site or app,” according to the Pew Medical Research Center. For younger generations, this statistic seems normal or even expected, but for many older adults who knew dating before technology, forming a relationship through a screen feels unfamiliar or even dangerous.
To better understand how dating has evolved, I interviewed people from different generations, backgrounds, cultures, and personal experiences. Their insight offers a glimpse into how technology, media, and cultural expectations influence how we search for love today.
Across the four generations I interviewed, there was one thing truly unanimous: what a healthy relationship should look like. While each person described it slightly differently, all emphasize that communication, respect, and a mutual understanding of your partner are fundamental building blocks for long-lasting, healthy relationships.
Maria, born in 1945, shared the importance of shared priorities and values. She explains, “My husband and I wrote down a list of 10 things that were important to us on our own, and what was the number one priority, and then 10 being that, maybe it was kind of trivial, or whatever, we matched up on every single one.” Doing this showed them truly how compatible and similar they are. Now, if you were to do this, you don’t have to match exactly what Maria and her husband did, but clearly mapping out your similarities and differences could be very helpful for the longevity of your relationship. Healthy relationships require continual growth and learning. Your partner should encourage you to be a better version of yourself.
33-year-old Savannah seconds this: “[your partner] should be uplifting you and pointing out different ways that you can succeed. And they should be helping you to be the best version of yourself.” Jake, 51, emphasizes the importance of communication. “The ability to listen to your partner is huge. The ability to communicate healthily is huge.” Mia, 20, said, “relationships should be easy and make your life happier. They shouldn’t make your life harder.” Beatrice, 23, said, “a healthy relationship to me must be based on respect, trust, and reciprocal support. It’s important that both parties support the other person’s goals and life expectations, which should preferably coincide. I think when trust and respect are not there anymore, it’s not worth going forward.” All generations agree that finding common ground for partners to lift each other and make each other better is vital to a healthy relationship.
Although social media is often associated with negative impacts on mental health, it can be beneficial in connection. Social media makes it easy for family, friends, and loved ones to stay connected over long distances. “Among American adults who have a grown child with whom they are in touch at least once a month, 97% say they typically communicate over the phone…Some 61% of parents say they typically use this mode of communication with a grown child,” according to the Pew Research Center. The digital age also makes it simple to meet people with similar interests and identities, and it builds support and emotional connection. It also makes it possible to have access to unlimited information, which is helpful in education and learning new perspectives.
Before the internet, dating relied on face-to-face interactions. People met through school, work, friends, or simply encountered someone in everyday life. Talking to someone or asking them out required more direct communication; you might have to call the house and risk their father answering. You may have to go up to someone and ask them to write their phone number down. Pursuing a romantic partner tended to move slowly and traditionally, as did gender roles and communication. While these norms were nowhere near perfect, they created a system that looked very different from the fast-paced, short-attention-span dating culture we see today.
As technology has evolved, so have the ways people build romantic relationships. Dating apps have created new opportunities for meeting people outside one’s immediate environment, but they have also introduced new challenges, ranging from safety concerns to miscommunication to unrealistic expectations due to fake or changed online profiles. Research shows that many Americans feel like dating has become more complicated; nearly half say it’s harder than it was ten years ago. “54% of women say they have felt overwhelmed … while just a quarter of men say the same,” according to the Pew Medical Research Center. This shift highlights how technology can both expand possibilities for connection and amplify the pressures and uncertainties of modern dating.
Online dating has its positive impacts because it’s fast, efficient, and convenient. It allows people to meet others that they wouldn’t organically meet, which can create new, meaningful connections. It’s also effective, easy to use, and you can filter people. It’s important to look at both the positive and negative parts of social media and online dating to get a full picture of the impact it has culturally and socially.
Despite the rise of online dating, not everyone has tried it or embraced it. For example, one millennial female I spoke with has never downloaded a dating app or swiped right or left. Even without personal experience, she has seen firsthand how technology is reshaping relationships. She has officiated several weddings that started from online dating, and she viewed these connections as ultimately positive.
Her experiences reflect a broader view: “One-in-ten partnered adults – meaning those who are married, living with a partner, or in a committed romantic relationship – met their current significant other through a dating site or app,” according to Pew Research Center. A Gen Z-er from Italy states that “I think they definitely changed the way people connect, and it makes it easier to speak with someone else if you’re too shy to get to know someone in person, but again it makes it more impersonal and riskier…. If I go out with a guy I met on the apps, I usually tell a friend to call me during the date or walk around the area I’m supposed to be and always share my location, just to be safe!”
However, many still navigate romance outside of the digital landscape, relying on traditional methods for connection. Maria, 80, talks about how difficult it is to communicate now. “I find it really sad, because even today, without thinking about dating, there are very few people that you can actually have a conversation with.” Mia, 20, agrees, stating that it’s difficult for people to “have the capacity to be in an adult, genuine relationship when they can’t even have a conversation,” further remarking that it’s “actually concerning.” This highlights how technology has expanded the ways people can meet, but also how generational differences influence comfort levels with digital dating.
Social media can also cause harm to mental health and safety because it sets dangerous and unrealistic expectations. Mia, 20, states that, “Growing up with social media has created unrealistic expectations in all sectors of life, including romantic relationships, where people post curated and fake versions of even their relationships, which are clearly fake.” She claims that the media has skewed our perception of what is real and what is not. Social media sets unattainable standards for relationships and can become a source of harm.
Another of the ways social media and online dating become dangerous is through catfishing and deception. A female Gen X-er states, “I think the anonymity of it all makes people feel like they can be unfeeling and callous and treat people casually, because it does almost feel like, almost like window shopping for humans, and because it is so easy to swipe and un-match and block.”
Feelings of insincerity around online dating are not just unique to the United States. Beatrice, 23, from Sicily, says, “I tend to be very skeptical, so even though I might download it to meet or go out with new people, I end up almost avoiding them because I’m worried about who might be hiding on the other side.” Online dating can naturally start from a place of mistrust and uncertainty. Relationships are meant to be meaningful and built on a deep, fundamental understanding of each other. Social media can make relationships feel transactional and void of feeling.
Beatrice, 23, who was born and raised in Italy, has new insight into dating in Europe and the UK. She spent part of high school studying abroad in New Hampshire about seven years ago, and she saw very different cultural norms around dating and relationships in the US. She found that Americans were in much longer-term relationships at a very young age, as opposed to Italy. “When I was in the U.S. I was young, and I was shocked that kids of my age were all dating someone, even for a very long time. People back home at that time were maybe still single or had had a partner for a short time. In Italy, at least for people my age, we may date someone in our 20s, but rarely it ends up being the person you’ll marry.” She found this to be jarring, because young people in Italy do not tend to get into relationships, especially those who are focused on getting a higher education. She commented that those who acquire higher education usually do not date or get into serious relationships until their thirties. She also made comments about dating in the UK. “In the UK, I’ve seen a lot more casual dating. People in their 20s did not seem ready at all to have a serious relationship; they love to party and to meet new people when they go out dancing.” The United States, the UK, and Europe have different timelines for when they ultimately end up in a serious relationship or marriage.
Having conversations about what makes a healthy relationship is especially important for my generation, as many of our ideas about love are shaped by social media. This can distort expectations and make normal challenges and growing points for a relationship feel like signs of incompatibility. Through interviews with people of different ages, it became clear that healthy, long-lasting relationships are not defined by constant passion or ease, but by communication, patience, and mutual respect.
After conducting this research and interviews, it helped solidify my idea about what it means to be in a healthy and long-lasting relationship, especially in my generation. I think online dating could be one of the ways that someone finds their forever person, but at times, it can be unsafe or scary. But if you approach it safely and use your discretion to make thoughtful and smart decisions, it can be a very helpful tool for connection.
One thing that will always stay the same, no matter your age, gender, or culture, is the desire to form meaningful and genuine connections. As technology evolves, it is important to remember that healthy relationships are not defined by apps, swipes, or online personas but by empathy, trust, and genuine understanding of one another.
