The Advocate’s New Year’s Resolutions


Academy Staff

Begin investing in Kohl’s Cash (also known as the next Bitcoin).

Track your food by posting a photo of everything you eat on social media so your followers can know your exact caloric intake. They’ll love dieting alongside you!

The best way to make friends is to communicate with people. This year, in the spirit of making friends, send people texts every 30 seconds to foster great communication with them. They’ll love you for it and you’ll be sure to make lots of friends!

Take social media cleanses one step further: go completely off the grid! Cease contact with everyone you know. Forge a new identity. Move to Siberia. Maybe even burn off your fingerprints. Whatever you choose to do, it’s sure to enrich your life (and ensure the U.S. government has no idea you ever existed)!

You and I both know your life doesn’t suck that much, so New Year’s resolutions are pretty pointless. If you really want to see some change, do everything that you can to make this year absolutely miserable. Go into crippling debt. Cut out all of your close friends and family. Have a near death experience (or two). That way, you can start 2019 with some real problems to fix.

2018 is the year of self-care. Take a bubble bath and slap on a face mask. Spend a day in bed binge-watching Netflix. Block Canvas notifications and read a book by the light of the homework you’ve set on fire. Avoid every one of your responsibilities and watch the stress in your life slip away.

Take some time to discover yourself. And what’s the best way to do that? Quizzes! Take every quiz you can find. What kind of potato are you? Which Disney princess are you most like? Which time period were you meant to live in? This is the perfect way to put all the extra time you have to good use. After all, what is more important to your happiness than truly knowing yourself?

Try to avoid political discourse, which can harm relationships and friendships. Instead, whenever someone says words like “Trump,” “Congress,” or “Twitter,” scream and slump into a dead faint. When you have everyone’s attention, roll your eyes into the back of your head and mutter in an ancient Gaelic tongue. It’s a great way to get your mind off politics!

Sleep? Maybe? Every once in a while?

Everyone knows it’s only a matter of time before the nuclear apocalypse, so make the most of what you have, and remember, the more you eat now, the longer you’ll survive once starvation sets in!

Extracurriculars make your college applications and resumes look fantastic. Consider joining The Advocate. Snacks are occasionally provided and, when your judgmental aunt asks what you’re doing with your life, you can just send her a link to your third article on North Korea’s plans for world domination.