Flirting at Zoom University

Question:

Dear Miss Rona,

Thank you for starting this advice column. I am in desperate need of some love advice! I have liked this girl for a while, even though she has been in a few relationships with other people. In class, we make eye contact (a lot) and will sometimes have conversations with each other. Now she is finally out of her relationship, but we aren’t close enough to be in contact over social media or text. And, since online classes are happening, I can’t flirt with her by making weird eye contact anymore! Help! What is the best way to flirt with my crush over Zoom?

Thanks,
Zoom Tease

Answer:

Dear Zoom Tease,

I’m going to start with basic advice. Since you guys talk in class, it’s totally inconspicuous if you DM, Snapchat, or Facebook message her asking for help or clarification on an assignment. If she doesn’t have any social media in common with you, here is a sneaky little trick. If you know anyone who would have her number that you are mutual friends with, ask them to ask this girl about homework assignments – say she is the only one you know in your class but you don’t have any contact info. If they don’t just give you her number straight away, bombard them with enough questions until they are fed up with being the intermediary and give you her number. Once you’ve got a way to talk to her, asking her about homework is the safe way to go, but I advise against this and suggest we spice things up a little. Try to be a little more direct. If you don’t want to use a pick-up line (let’s be real, most of them are pretty lame), try something short and sweet: “I miss talking to you at school… Hope you’re doing well :)” That might be way too boring for you — you might be thinking, Go big or go home. Then I will leave it up to you to put yourself out there. If you mess up this whole thing, don’t worry about it because you won’t actually have to see her for a couple of months, and you’ll have something interesting to think about during these boring times. 

Quarantined Regards,
Miss Rona

Keeping it Clean

Question:

Dear Miss Rona,

I try to zoom with my sweetheart every day, and we always end our zoom with a little screen kiss.  The problem is that my screen is now a mess of lip marks and saliva stains. I tried to get some screen cleaner for it, but every store in town is sold out. What should I do? 

Signed,
Spitball

Answer:

Dear Spitball,

I am so happy that you and your sweetheart are able to keep in touch and fulfill your needs while still abiding by the social distancing guidelines and rules (unlike some of the members of our community – please stay home everyone, and follow Spitball’s lead!!!). I know you were not hoping to hear me tell you to stop making out with your computer screen, as I think that’s what you really mean by “a little screen kiss.” However, given the PDA I have witnessed on campus in the past, I know the desires of Academy teenagers (and adults, if that’s you) can often be too hard to contain, so I will refrain from giving hopeless advice. For future preventative measures, I recommend a hard copy picture of your sweetheart on cheap printer paper (with their permission, of course) to replace the laptop screen. It should give the same effect with cheaper and more sanitary results. And, it’s disposable, should the relationship come to an end. As for an immediate solution, because I know you won’t want to explain to your teachers why your camera is so blurry, I recommend a homemade screen cleaner that can work wonders. Just mix water and isopropyl alcohol or vinegar (even cooking vinegar will work) in a 1:1 ratio. You can use a paper towel and apply directly to your screen or, for best results, put in a spray bottle and rub your screen with a microfiber cloth.  Now, if you don’t have vinegar or rubbing alcohol and the hoarders have gotten to them too, just use soap and water and your screen will be fine. If you don’t have soap, and in your case, I am considering this a high possibility, please buy soap. Soap is available in the stores. Give your sweetheart a warm hello from Miss Rona, and I hope your relationship will continue forever with as much passion as it does now.

Quarantined Regards,
Miss Rona

Bald or Beautiful?

Question:

Why hello Miss Rona,

When my crush shaves his head should I drop him or push through?

Signed,
You Will Never Know Who I Am

Answer:

Dear You Will Never Know Who I Am, 

This is indeed a very tricky question. If I were self-righteous and cliche, I would say, “If YoU CaN’t LoVe HiM aT hIs WoRsT, YoU cAn’T hAvE hIm At HiS bEsT.”  But, I am not and that is a load of rubbish. First, you have to wait until he actually shaves his head. If all your attraction to him dissipates along with his hair, you become the victim in this situation by deciding to “push through.” Don’t do that to yourself. However, if he shaves his head and you find yourself feeling like you don’t know how you feel about it, you might want to hold off the decision to drop him until you figure it out. Who knows maybe by then he will have some hair back. In the last case, and most unlikely case, where you find yourself still madly, deeply in love with him, you have got to shoot your shot. This man will probably never find someone again who loves him enough to stick with him through an event like this. At the end of the day, though, just because of personal opinion, I hope your man decides to keep his hair.

Quarantined Regards,
Miss Rona