Students at Albuquerque Academy are already eagerly anticipating the beginning of the 2024-25 school year (suck it, seniors) with five exhilarating advanced courses to begin their rotation in the school’s curriculum as electives. Below, you’ll find a description of each class’s basic outline as well as exclusive interviews and lectures of the teachers in action.

AP 0.5 Photography
Instructor: Chad Waples
Course Description: The debut of the ultra-wide-angle lens in cell phone cameras in 2019 has changed the world of photography. Commonly known as the 0.5x zoom on smartphones, this lens has an unparalleled ability to capture everything on camera. And by everything, we mean everything—from the world’s greatest landscapes to the smallest lumps on your forehead. In this rigorous college-level course, you’ll learn to master all forms of 0.5 photography—including the trending “selfie” and “forehead” methods—and embrace the beauty of elongated complexions. By the end of the year, you’ll have an impressive portfolio of 0.5 photos to submit to colleges and an artistic eye for how to best capture your friends’ massive foreheads (and all the skin texture that comes with it).

AP Potty-Mouthing
Instructor: Laura Matter
Course Description: Are you having a sh*tty day? Do you have trouble finding the words to adequately express your emotions because RULER didn’t teach you sh*t about regulating emotions? Or do you just want an excuse to swear in an academic setting? Then this course is the sh*t for you! Unfeigned potty-mouthing comes from deep within the heart and with a side of fierce hand gestures; do not be afraid of holding back in this class. We’ll sail the sea of swear words and learn all the sh*t about their different linguistic functions and historical origins. Rest assured that by the end of this course, your emotions will be sufficiently expressed and your brain cells will be stuffed with the ins and outs of all the sh*t about sh*t you could possibly imagine.

Advanced Snapchatting During Class
Instructor: Joelle Shaw
Course Description: Academic classes are rotting young minds; Generation Z brains need constant stimulation from sending snaps (usually in the form of half-face selfies) in the Snapchat app in order to perform on a high level. Yet, teachers insist on depriving students of a healthy learning environment by taking away their phones. This class offers unique insight into the Gen Z experience and will have your Snap Score blowing through the roof! Together, we’ll master the art of texting without looking, hone our skills in discreet phone usage, and investigate the fine line that separates a personal device from a confiscated one. Whether you consider yourself a rookie or a pro at snapping during class, this course will give you the skills you’ll need to survive boring lectures in high school and beyond. To maintain full student engagement, this course will be taught over the Snapchat video calling platform.

AP Napping
Instructor: Ralph Figueroa (“Figs”)
Course Description: Sleep research studies show that students need between eight and ten hours of sleep a night. Students observed emailing teachers at 4 a.m. and napping during class, however, suggest severe sleep deprivation. Sponsored by the College Guidance Office, this course gives you the opportunity to slip into that sweet, sweet world of sleep without having to worry about the public humiliation you’ll face when a teacher calls you out for drooling all over your desk. Not only will you master the proper body positions that promote the best sleep, but you’ll also become an expert pillow fluffer. Napping during this class is mandatory (obviously). At the end of the year, you’ll be well-rested to compete against local Albuquerque preschoolers in a mandatory napping showdown.
Course Materials: pajamas, blanket, pillow, stuffed animal (optional)

Advanced Techniques in Fly-Swatting
Instructors: Miranda Fleig, Stephanie Good, Meg Reese
Course Description: Have you ever tried swatting a fly only to disappointingly find out that there isn’t a pile of fly guts under your swatter because flies have heightened perception which makes them impossible to kill? Do not fret! We’ve spent years within the deep darks of the fly lab, calculating precise wrist movements and developing innovative swatting techniques needed to spill those bug guts. You’ll be splatting the crap out of those buzzing suckers in no time should you choose to enroll in this course!
Note: students who wish to take the Advanced Research in Molecular Genetics course must take the fly-swatting class.

I’d like to extend a heartfelt thank you to all the teachers (and students) who went along with my shenanigans and helped me film parts of this satire!